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The Centaur and Big Daddy Dildos by Mister Hankey

By Roger the Slave Owner
Updated on Aug 19, 2023

Reading time: 4 minutes

Mister Hankey’s Centaur and Big Daddy dildos

Fuck yourself with a mythical monster cock

A throbbing expectation hit the front end of July as we awaited the latest batch of Mister Hankey dildos. And the waiting was almost the hardest part. Firstly, the USPS tracking page flashed up strange and mysterious messages. Delays. Interventions. Inspections. Nearly a month later the package arrived, covered in brightly chevroned tape and an official notice from ‘Homeland Security.’

Mutual Anal Destruction

And when you first look at the Mister Hankey Centaur and the Big Daddy toys, you can see why America takes them so seriously. Who knows exactly what these looked like in the x-ray scanner? Who can predict the level of threat and fear they might have experienced, and the imminent sense of sexual doom when they opened the box? For the Big Daddy and Centaur dildos are surely WMDs (weapons of massive dilation) and used together beautifully illustrate MAD (mutual anal destruction). The wait was worth it; now we needed the right arsehole. Then began the search for the right pair of willing targets.

First off we tried the Centaur on an ambitious anal pig. We watched as he plied his ass with Crisco, huffed some interesting smells, lubricated, loosened and pliered his fundament with fingers, and attempted to launch the half horse, half man latex love sculpture. His body resisted. His anus refused. His ring just said no.

So, with gloved fingers, time and patience, Mistress Desdemona and I helped him. We cajoled, role-played, speculated and briefly speculumed and finally decided on the perfect back story. This was a cock straight out of a dark scene from Game of Thrones. And ‘pig’ opened up. The Centaur is a spectacular piece of fantasy phallus.

Urethral eureka!

Half horse and half-human this erect beast rises from a firm and thick base, with folds of generously accumulated foreskin, upwards, following a meandering veinous protrusion towards a thoroughly beast-like head. The bulbous end has a massive glans ridge, so engorged it’s like one of those situations where you felt so horny you thought your urethra was about to pop out. And, OMG, looking more carefully, urethral eureka – the piss slit has popped out!

Distictive vacuum like sucking noises

When we inserted this, pig boy really wasn’t sure exactly what was entering him. We’d like to say he grunted when the head slipped in. But embedded would be a better word, and he gave a tiny yelp. There’s length to this monster, and with lube, and half an hour’s patience, we bottomed out on the optional removable balls. It would be reasonable to think the angular head presses against the prostate, but according to pig boy, ‘catches’ might be more accurate, like a fleshy anvil or reversing claw hammer. A prostate will remember the day it met the Centaur. Vac-u-lock options and three sizes are available, but an extremely powerful fucking machine, such as the Kong, will be required for machine fuckery. Understanding, we felt we needed to try, and a Kong plunders well at medium speed; with the peculiar animal/human head creating distinctive vacuum-like sucking noises with monotonous machine fucking.

Primal fear penis

The Centaur opened up pig boy efficiently, leaving a cave-like opening for the next toy. You know when you first looked over at the urinal at the man next to you and he was a big man. Bigger than you’d ever seen. And you looked at his cock, a cock so huge your brain’s inner squeaky voice blurted out: “Big Daddy”. That’s what we have here. Primal fear penis. It’s not a challenge, it’s a life choice. It’s a moment of sexual epiphany – if you can take it. We suggested pig boy sucked it first. His entire face didn’t look keen. This cock is intimidating. The clue is in the name – big daddy is big.

This toy is earnestly hard. It’s also good for slapping an arse with before serious play begins. Pig boy’s hole was accommodating at first. And this is what makes Big Daddy an interesting toy. The head is deceptive. It works itself in surprisingly easily, and then the width narrows.

Beer can thickness, no. It’s wider than that

The sub thinks it’s all about to get easier – until the first wave of wrinkled foreskin hits. And it widens. Imperceptibly at first, and it continues to widen. Beer can thickness, no. It’s wider than that. Even with super slippery lube, it pushes in a fraction of an inch at a time; with each fraction seeming like a life’s achievement. There’s a sense of unrelenting widening the further down you get. This isn’t a toy to get drilled by, but it’s certainly one to open up new sexual horizons.

These toys from Mr. Hankey are ideal for role play scenarios and long, patient, play sessions.

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This BDSM sex toy review was last updated on Aug 19, 2023 @ 8:56 am.


Reviewer: Roger the Slave Owner

Roger is a gay slave owner. Currently, he rears two worthless cock worshipping cuntholes who are occasionally allowed to graze under tethered supervision at various fetish cattle markets in the UK. Roger is our go-to writer for UK based kinkery. He likes anything with belt buckles and studs.

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